not ready to make nice

I’m not ready to make nice,
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time
to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right,
I probably wouldn’t if I could
’cause I’m mad as hell, can’t bring myself to do
what it is you think I should

Yesterday I got a phone call from my mom’s man-friend, who I have never met and with whom I have never spoken before. He said that mom has tried to call me but couldn’t get through and so she had asked him to try to call to see if there’s something wrong with our phone line.

Now, that in itself is a lie. How do I know? Because we’ve been at home all weekend, and there haven’t been any problems with our phone, and she hasn’t called. Not to mention that I have heard it before.

He tried to tell me that silence doesn’t solve anything and that sooner or later we have to talk things through – as if I didn’t know that already – and I told him that I know that but at the time being I have to focus on other things in my life, these are some of the most important weeks in my life and I can’t waste any energy on her right now. When I’m ready, I will deal with her, but not now.

Anyway, I told him that if she must reach me she can send me an email and then I’ll decide whether or not I want to talk with her.

So she did.

She told me that her aunt died, and asked if I want to join in on a flower garland.
She told me that she misses me.
She told me that she wants to give me something special for my graduation so she wants to know which date I graduate.

and now I have to decide whether or not I want to talk with her.

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I’m not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I’m still waiting

11 Responses to “not ready to make nice”

  1. sognatrice says:

    Your tag “difficult situations” isn’t lying. Can’t you just go back to fishing in Positano instead of dealing with this? Ugh. Positive thoughts from Calabria :)

  2. manuela says:

    Annika, let me tell you one thing: talk to your mom no matter how bad she’s made you feel.
    Try to start from the beginning your relationship. Parents are fundamental. One day you could never forgive yourself for not giving your mom tha last chance.
    love, manu

  3. Annika says:

    Trust me Manuela, I’ve tried that already, several times. I tried talking, writing, everything. It was no easy decision to distance myself from mom, but I had to do it in order to survive. Read more about it here, then perhaps you can understand my frustration.

    Anyway, I sent her a very short email: “Of course I’ll join in on the flowers, send me your account details and I’ll transfer the money. I graduate on the 13th April.” I have now made the transfer, and it feels good.

  4. Cherrye says:

    :-( I really just clicked through to your blog from Shellys-At Home in Rome cause you said you hoped someone would (not sure if I count since I have been here before). I am sorry to read about your mom probs. I have nothing profound to say – it sucks!

  5. Annika says:

    It sucks alright, but I’ll try not to let it wear me down. Thanks for clicking through :)

  6. Michelle says:

    Annika,
    I don’t know your full situation with your mom but I relate. My mom and I have had some very difficult times (something I don’t cover on my blog because though I don’t believe my mom reads the blog, I just wouldn’t to chance it and stir anything up), but I only have my mom (no dad) and so at this point I try to keep the peace. We keep things at a surface level and I suffer much less than when I expected her to be a mom. Hang in there….
    Michelle

  7. tatiana says:

    Annika,

    I agree with manuela. As difficult and futile as it may seem, you will someday regret writing her off and ignoring her. She is who she is. And, while it doesn’t excuse her behavior towards you – do it for you. Tell her that despite her bitchiness, you have decided to forgive her since you have been made painfully aware that you will never hear her utter the words you so want to hear.

    Having been through a similar situation with my mom – I know how you feel. My relationship hasn’t been the same since my mom and I had our *final* blow out – but, I let her have it and *forgave* her.

    Whatever you decide – I hope you find peace with in yourself before you do – b/c it takes great strength to make that move.

    Good luck!

  8. Madelyne says:

    I read all you had under your “difficult situation” tag but I’m still not sure why you’re fighting. Is it cause she doesn’t understand that you’re an adult who can make her own decision? I feel sorry for you cause as a daughter I know what thats like to have a parent not listen to you. But I also feel for your mum, cause I’m a mum & if my son stopped talking to me I’d want to stop living. Call her, meet her in a neutral place (park, cafe etc) and talk it through. Don’t leave it unresolved.

  9. Madelyne says:

    I just read more under ‘mom’ tag and now i get it. but still talk it over with her, she’s only human & we all make mistakes

  10. nicki says:

    The most important thing to think about is this: it your mum suddenly died how would you feel? Would you be ok with the way things were left? Would you feel guilty for not resolving problems with her? Try and think of her as someone who will always be in your life whether you like it or not, she may be someone that you don’t get on with and see eye to eye with, but she will always be there. It may be easier just to accept that she is different from you and tolerate her as you would an annoying friend who you can’t seem to shake off.

  11. kc says:

    Su! I had a very difficult and sometimes toxic relationship with my father, so I can understand what you are going through. I understand where people who say that you need to maintain relationships with parents are coming from, but I really believe that if you are in a relationship that is toxic, you need to distance yourself. I never stopped talking to my dad- but I kept our contact to a minimum, to be civil. I really needed that distance to work things out for myself. It was actually like a mourning period in which I let the father I always dreamed of having go, and learned to accept that my dad was never going to be what I hoped for. By the time he died, I had forgiven him and made peace with my memories. I’m sure I never would have gotten to that point if I hadn’t disentangled myself first, because it was really hard work. (I hope this doesn’t sound depressing, and I hope it helps, even a little.) Annika, you are a strong person and you will become even stronger as you work through this!

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