j’ai tout appris à dix-sept ans

J’ai tout appris à  dix sept ans
L’amour n’était pas mon amant
Il était fait pour des beautés
Ou quelques filles de beaux quartiers(…)J’étais plus jeune qu’aujourd’hui
Et tout ce qui était permis
C’était un rêve d’ici, de là 
Pour des moins belles comme moi

Eleven years ago, I prepared for our school trip to France by listening to French music – Celine Dion, Mireille Mathieu, Edith Piaf, much like how I listen to Italian music today. I was 17, and always the dreamer. This was when I still planned on becoming Julia Roberts, when I was torn between “the Paris I loved, and the Hollywood I had always dreamed of”, when I still hadn’t had a boyfriend but had had my fair share of broken hearts. When I was still living far out in the countryside, pining for the world outside, the big world with endless opportunities where I knew I could grow and be the very best version of myself, a world where no small town mentality would hold me back and tell me what I could and couldn’t do.

At 17 I was… uncontamined, is the word that springs to mind, but a more proper choice of words would probably be idealistic or naive. I wanted the world, but wasn’t confident enough to truly believe that I could have it. I had surrendered to think that I belonged to the less beautiful group, and planned my life according to that. I never saw love in my future – company for a night, sure, but not love for life. I didn’t even think I wanted a life companion, which probably was my teenage heart’s way of trying to save me from heartaches.

I lost my way, my mind and myself during the years that followed, but now I feel like I’m somehow back where I started, except that this time I’m more confident, more determined and now I know that I can have anything my heart desires. Now I know that I can have it all.

I’m 28 now. I’m over Julia. I have stopped dreaming of Hollywood, although I still wouldn’t say no to Paris. I have been through so much, learned so much, grown so much. I have found a life companion, and am very happy that I changed my mind on that point. I have learned that I too can be loved. I have begun to love myself. I have changed – but somewhere along the way I changed back. I started to desire the big world again.

It is strange to think that perhaps I almost had it all figured out at 17.