Things are happening inside me, things that I have absolutely no way to control.
So I stop. I don’t even try to control them. I sit back, relax and let them happen. They were bound to happen sooner or later and I guess now is the time. I trust they know what they’re doing.
(Warning: If you’re here for fluffy Italy stuff, and if you don’t want to read about very sensitive personal matters, stop reading and come back another day. There will be fluffy stuff again later. Thanks for understanding.)
There is something about this time of the year…
Ten years ago, in the very beginning of December, I found out that I was pregnant. I was 20.
One year later, in November, my husband-to-be collapsed on the street. I was 21.
Two years later, on Christmas Eve, he had his first full-fledged panic attack. I was 23. He thought he was going to die and I went to work every day for several months not knowing if he would still be alive when I got back.
Two years ago today, he admitted to being an alcoholic and stopped drinking. I was 28.
Two years he has been sober. I haven’t told anyone about it until now.
Why? I should have. I am so proud of him, so proud that he has come this far. He is taking his bad experiences and turning them into something good by helping others.
But you know what… this isn’t about that. It isn’t about him. It’s about me.
I have been ashamed. Part of me still is.
Ashamed of what? Not of him, that’s for sure. But of me.
See, this was never part of my plans. It didn’t fit into my dreams to be the wife of an alcoholic. Didn’t fit my image of who I wanted to be. I can’t say that I had a good image of who or how an alcoholic’s wife was, but she has to be a tragic character don’t you think? Someone weak, co-dependent, bitter, self-neglecting. I didn’t want to be anything like that.
So I didn’t tell people what was going on. I hadn’t told anyone about what had happened in the years before, and admitting that my husband had stopped drinking would – no matter how huge a relief it was for me – be the same as admitting that not-so-fun things had happened in the past, and that would mean admitting that there were more problems in my life than I wanted anyone to know. For years I had worked my butt off trying to make everything seem right and come up with one excuse after the other to why this or that happened, all to keep the facade intact, all to make myself not be that tragic co-dependent wife. What I didn’t realize was that this, in itself, meant that I was co-dependent.
So I was ashamed of myself. I didn’t realize this until, like, yesterday. I was ashamed of my incapability to find a proper man, I guess. Forget the part about finding a man you love and love is all you need, at some point I must have been taught what qualities you should look for in a partner and somehow I must have felt that I let someone down by following my heart. I had to defend our relationship from the beginning, even before all this began, and stubborn as I am I wouldn’t give anyone the chance to say “I told you so” and so I defended and hid and fought and defended even more.
After a while it becomes a habit, and you don’t even have to think about it anymore.
And now… two years have passed. Two years he has been sober, and I don’t have enough words to express how happy I am about it, how relieved I am, how proud I am.
There is nothing to be ashamed about. Yes, I am married to an alcoholic. I am. But I am married to a sober alcoholic who has managed to turn his life around 360 degrees and who is now devoting his life to helping others in the same situation. That is something to be proud of. I went through hell at a very young age and came out of it right side up. That is something to be proud of.
I am having all these thoughts and feelings rushing through me. Things are happening, stars are aligning or whatever. There is nothing I can do, I can only surrender and have faith. Feelings are not dangerous. What happens in cosmos happens in cosmos and if it happens now that means that this, now, is the right time for it to happen. Something is ending and something else, something better, is about to begin.
I can’t control it. It’s not visible, it’s not touchable, it affects noone but me. It’s all in me. It’s good.
Everything happens for a reason. There is no such thing as coincidence.
We met in a bar. We’ve spent quite a lot of time in bars through the years.
I am so happy that we have moved on.
Wow! Annika my friend please stop putting your self down. Your husband’s sobriety is a reflection on the good person that you are. God Bless you and your family.
thanks Gil, that is exactly what I am working on right now
I have put myself down for years without even knowing it, but that has got to stop and I think it’s about to 
Oh honey you are a super star. I’m glad you are talking about it now. BIG hug coming your way, and congratulations to you and your family for getting through this!
Yes, Annika, Gil said it: you do put yourself down – although I think you are realizing it now and it looks like you are working your way out. I am SO proud of you and your husband who I have never doubted you loved with all your heart. Sending you love. I am proud to call you my friend, dear one!
Vilken fin text, Annika! Den känns i hjärtat. Krama om André från mig!
?There’s more art and architecture to see in Italy than somebody could conceivably see in a lifetime.
The southern region of Campania includes the city of Naples and there are several tourist destinations, this includes the Greek Temples at Paestrum, Sibyl’s Cave at Cumae, the Roman ruins at Pompeii and the volcanoes at Vesuvius. Holidays in Italy, whether in town or country, offer variety, sunshine and a warm welcome from the friendly local population.
Annika,
now I know the reason why there was always a particular background of homesick in your writing that without no doubts, gives to your blog the style of writing followed by so many people.
I can understand your dream of Italy, the sea, the people or most probably an escape from ordinary life everyone dreams that makes so interesting to read you.
I actually live in north Italy .When things go wrong a week end along the seaside where the weather is warmer even in winter, eating fish on the beach, to me is one of the best pleasure of life. Of course, it’s a dream at 1 hour driving. The week is lighter after that. I like to read there are others thinking like me !
Thanks again for your writing and best wishes for your dreams
wow Riccardo that was such a beautiful comment and it really hit home with me.
Opening up like this is scary but so far only good things have come out of it.
Annika-you are such a strong person and you should feel proud of all you’ve done over the years to hold onto to your family and make the best life for all of you. It is good that you have had the courage to admit all these things-there’s no shame in any of it. I am happy for you and your husband that you are both in such a good place now.
all the things I said before…you are an incredible, strong woman. keep thinking in that beautiful and positive way that you do. You deserve all your dreams!
Det var väldigt starkt av dig att skriva det här inlägget. Du ska inte behöva skämmas över det du/ni har gått igenom men det är dessvärre allt för ofta det blir så. Jag har inte gått igenom i närheten så mycket men jag känner ändå igen känslorna, skammen och så vidare. Jag beundrar din styrka och önskar er all lycka i framtiden.
Många kramar
Hi Annika,
I don’t think I have ever commented before but I have read your blog ever since I started reading Expats, when it became its own site after leaving Slow Trav. But I am delurking today to say a huge congratulations to you and your husband!! Two years sober is incredible, just as two days is as well. I am certain you both work so hard at this everyday and I applaud you both. Alcoholism, like other addictions, is an illness just like cancer is, but is so misunderstood and carries such stigmas. I am so relieved for you that you shared this here and I hope it helps you to feel lighter. Big hugs to you and congratulations to you both on your husband’s sobriety and new path in life!! Thinking of you!
Annika very happy for you!! as a mom of a recovering drug user, which she has only 1 1/2 yrs clean I can celebrate with you and your family!!! But she, like you realizes she has a whole new life ahead of her… In the last year she has gone thru 1 yr of college, about ready to get into yr two and has met her man and was married in August. something she was never sure she would have.. so I have confidence that all things we dream of can be achieved.. I look forward to seeing you at the GTG!!!
Best to you and your family!
Sherrie
Hi Annika… thank you for your comment on my blog
I just realised that this post was also about the ‘not so fluffy stuff’… that made me smile 
I think you sound like a very strong woman and bravo to your husband. To turn ourselves around and then help others is a truly wonderful thing – you should both be proud.