my confession

Annika

I don’t really know how to be a friend. 

Sometimes I meet people with whom I click and think that they and I could be really good friends…

… and then that’s it.

I don’t call them, I don’t make surprise visits, I don’t meet up with them for coffee. I signed up for Skype but still haven’t used it even once. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that I don’t know how friendships are forged and I guess I am not miserable enough on my own to figure out how it’s done. 

I’m not asocial, not really – I have always had jobs that require excellent social skills and I love and need being around people – but evidently there is something missing.

I’m quite happy as it is, I don’t really have the time and energy to take on anything more than what I already have, and I have a few wonderful friends that I know I can always turn to and I think they know that they can turn to me at any time too… but maybe I’m missing out on something here? When I’m not at work I tend to hide away from people. I remember a time when I had friends that I used to hang out with on a regular basis. I even talked to them on the phone, imagine that! Of course I talk to people all day long at work but it’s not the same is it.

Maybe it is that I see myself as an outsider. Maybe it is a result of my childhood and the very low self-esteem that came with it. Maybe it is that I somehow subconsciously assume that everybody else already have all the friends they need and thus neither need nor want my company as well. Maybe I am just a natural loner and that’s all there is to it.

I don’t know. I figured I might as well just throw it out there. Perhaps by acknowledging my crappy friend skills I’ll break whatever spell there may be. I don’t feel bad about this situation, I’m just curious.  Maybe I should have studied psychology instead of hairdressing.

Anyway, I’ll end with a song that has no other relation to this post than its title. It is mesmerizingly beautiful though.

10 Responses to “my confession”

1. Mary Says:
   November 23rd, 2009 at 10:25

   I know exactly what you mean Annika. I could have written that post. Although maybe that’s why it wasn’t so hard for me to move to Italy.

2. Laurie Says:
   November 23rd, 2009 at 17:00

   Well, Annika, you’re my friend, and a very dear one….though very far and we connect only una volta ogni tanto…..

   sending you hugs –

   Laurie

3. Annika Says:
   November 23rd, 2009 at 17:14

   Mary, it’s a relief to hear that I’m not the only one!

   Laurie, sweetest woman in the world Tanti abbracci a te!

4. charlie Says:
   November 24th, 2009 at 11:06

   If you were here you wouldn’t be allowed to be lazy, we’d sweep you up into friendship and not let you escape..we’d be calling round and lounging on your sofa, drinking your swedesh coffee, we’d be borrowing your son to keep our daughter entertained, we’d be swapping films and books, we’d be dragging you to the bar on friday nights for drinks and forcing you to hike in the mountains whenever we went.

5. Annika Says:
   November 24th, 2009 at 17:20

   Oh Charlie… dear, sweet, beloved Charlie. That brought me to tears. It sounds so wonderful. I really wish some day I will actually be there, and you’ll all still be there too. Really, really wish that.

6. charlie Says:
   November 25th, 2009 at 09:26

   Ha, yeah, there’s more chance of you actually arriving here to find I’ve given up and gone!

7. John Says:
   November 26th, 2009 at 16:43

   There is a lot to reply to in your note above. You said you are happy so that’s what counts. We are not required to spend all our free time socializing, don’t worry about it. By the time you get home from work you are probably tired of talking,/socializing even if it’s not with friends you are burned out and just want to enjoy your home life. It’s not that easy hanging out with friends when one works and has a family. It’s not like you can just take off to the local coffee bar anytime you want to.

   I’m sorry you feel you have low self esteem because there is no excuse for it, you are an intelligent hard working person that seems to do just about everything right. I also know that it’s very hard to overcome that feeling. You can though if you work on it. Remind yourself several times everyday that you are a beautiful, hardworking, intelligent, great person, mother and wife. Give yourself positive affirmations and get rid of the negative ones.

   I know it’s always good to have dreams, and to look forward to time off vacations, etc. but I wish you would look around your home, your neighborhood and your city and find the things there that you enjoy. And yes maybe if you made more effort to connect with people you know you could more easily get out and have some fun. But that’s only if you feel that you want to, you don’t have to feel guilty if you don’t. There is nothing wrong with enjoying being home in your own private space.

8. Alyson Says:
   November 30th, 2009 at 13:23

   I’m with Mary on both counts! Plus the bit about people already having friends and they don’t need your friendship…I feel that alot and have felt like the spare in a lot if friendships! I wonder though if it is our fault – I tend to be self-reliant, I have to be, and some people find this intimidating as we are obviously dependent on no-one! A strength and a weakness!

9. Em from Ribollita Reboiled Says:
   November 30th, 2009 at 21:15

   I am RIGHT THERE with you on this one. here is my take if you like: I heard this radio show once about honesty and being totally truthful.

   the psychologist interviewed gave an example that he and his wife had been invited to dinner at another couple’s house and agreed to do it again, even though he really felt in that moment that he did not enjoy himself…he was bored, felt no connection to them. The couple kept inviting them and he kept lying to them that he was busy or would be out of town, but in the meantime he felt totally awful for lying and not being the friend they deserved. He realized however that it wasn’t wrong to feel that way, to not want to spend time with them. So the next time they called, he told them the truth that he didn’t have time for new friends and that any extra time would be spent with his children and the friends he already has. They were a little angry, but he felt a tremendous amount of relief.

   Now I am not saying go tell everyone to bugger off b.c you don’t need any new people in your life. I am more saying that you’ll know when it’s time to have more social activity with a person and you don’t have to feel obligated to do so.

   You are such a passionate person that perhaps superficial friendship just isn’t satisfying? what’s the point of those kinds of relationships? I really don’t know…

   that was long! sorry!

10. anne Says:
    December 7th, 2009 at 15:47

    I can relate to this post very much…I feel like an outsider, and my confidence is low…I feel like an outsider with people I have known for along time, and sometimes my family too!!

    But if it were not for my friends, I would be lost . I have also made friends through my blog, and met up with a few in Paris, they are amazing friends.

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