Almost any garden, if you see it at just the right moment,
can be confused with paradise.

-Henry Mitchell

http://www.wordle.net

I asked my sister to take my picture today, for a magazine article.
Just relax, she said. So I did.

It’s been almost four years since we were last there. It hasn’t changed from what I can see. I have changed – a lot – but some things will always remain the same. My infatuation with that place is one of them.

I can’t go anywhere right now. Every single penny I have, or had, has gone to opening the salon. Now it’s Ramen noodles all the way
There are no funds for travel, and that’s okay for now. The salon is a dream come true and I knew I’d have to make some sacrifices to make it happen.

But gosh. What I wouldn’t give to be there again.

I have said this so many times, often followed by a “girls are terrible” said with a disgusted face. Girls are mean. Treacherous. Evil.

How ironic to realize that I am now surrounded by girls – half my age, twice my age, near, far and everything in between – that are the most wonderful, kind, supporting people imaginable. People that I rely on for big and small, people that I stand by through thick and thin. People that I love, and will go to great lengths to support in return. We laugh and cry together, we talk about everything. They enrich my life, they make me a better person.

How ironic also that most of these girls have one thing in common:

They don’t like girls.

I am a dreamer and a doer, I once wrote about myself. For many years I would only dream – I sat in my room and built these big, beautiful dreams for myself, then felt sorry for myself for sitting in my room without having any of those things I dreamed about. I was jealous of The Others, those who were out there in the world living lives I could only dream about.

Somewhere along the way, something clicked inside of me. I realized that if I wanted any of my dreams to come true, I had better start doing something about it or I’d never get anywhere. I was the only one who could change my reality, change my life.

So I did. I became a doer.

Just thinking and dreaming doesn’t do much. You have to put all of your determination and hard work towards fulfilling that dream if you want it to come true. But if you don’t dream, how do you know which way to go?

To dream is the beginning, the light in the dark, the leading star that keeps you on the right track. The dream is the starting point, that tells you which steps to take and choices to make to create and make reality of the goal, the dream.

You want fame? Well, fame costs.
And right here is where you start paying.
In sweat.

You can do it. If I can do it,  you can too.

Go. Dream. Create.

Live.

Dare gioia – give joy. Dare to be happy.
Some of you know that this word is more than a word for me. It is also a vision statement. A name.

I chose gioia to be my word for 2012 – and it was no coincidence. I do want to choose joy this year, but bigger than that is the fact that I am finally getting to open my very own, organic hair salon: Gioia. Gioia was the original idea that got me into this hairdressing business in the first place. Gioia has existed within me ever since that cold January day seven years ago when my life got a whole new sense of direction.

My thing? It happened. I got my Plan A. The little shop across the street from where I work now, the shop I almost rented three years ago, is mine now. I signed the lease today. I will get the keys next week. My thing will soon become Salong Gioia.

my secret garden
is not so secret anymore 

I didn’t remember this, until when a week or two ago I got a sudden, unexpected urge to buy beads and started to thread them.

ba-da-bing, ba-da-bang, ba-da-bum-bum-bum
ba-da-bing, ba-da-bang, ba-da-BAM

is the pattern, the rhythm, the melody of my beads.

I do this, always. I find rhythms and patterns where other people do not even think to look for them. It is part of what makes me who I am.

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I thread sparkling beads on a string for no particular purpose, but because I think they are pretty.
I melt soy wax and make scented candles.
I paint chairs and sew furry lampshades.
I make a thousands hours long lounge music playlist on Spotify.

I am ready, waiting.
My thing can’t not happen.

Fast forward two years and nine and a half months, and the thing became available again.

Oh, I said. Dang. Now what? Eek! I WANT IT!!!

Before long I was back in that crazy desperation that sent me into full-fledged panic every time the phone rang because I was so worried that someone would say that I wouldn’t get my thing this time either.

Then someone said that maybe I’ll get it, maybe not, they can’t really say. And I panicked.

I turned to my friends, my wonderful circle of amazing women.

- You have created the basket that holds only one egg, one said.

- Find something else… you never know, it might even be better! said another.

- Annika, wanting something that much throws everything out of balance. Don’t ever be afraid of an answer being not the one you want. Things work out the way they do for a variety of reasons that we cannot know, said the third.

- Get away from it. Let it come back to you without forcing it – and you will find that in having moved away from it a bit, you’ll see things more clearly.

So I did. I got away from it. I looked for something else -

- and the weirdest thing happened. By leaving my Plan A to its own for a while, by exploring the idea of a Plan B or even a Plan C, the panic and desperation left me. I rediscovered my serenity and my faith in fate.

To be completely honest, if I end up actually getting to choose between plans A and B, I might choose B. Not because A isn’t good, but because B might be even better.

I love my thing, and I can’t help but feel that it can’t be a coincidence that it opened up for me again now that the time is right, but maybe its purpose was not to be mine, but to act as a catalyst. If it hadn’t offered itself to me again, I might not have found the other thing.

And if I end up not having A nor B, I am fairly confident that a C or D will present itself and turn out to be just perfect.

- Let things come to you. Good luck and breathe, a fourth friend said. For now, that is all I can do.

And you know… if nothing else, all of this has taught me so much about friendship and the importance of reaching out for support and advice.
That is quite fantastic in itself, and I am so, so grateful.

My oh my, what a year.

So many things have happened, in and around me.  So many things that I can’t or won’t write about, that changed me forever. Cracked me open, if you wish. I have been exhausted, stressed out, terrified. I have cried harder and longer than ever before. I have smiled, smiled with my whole body, smiled with my liver.

I came out happy, open, with a newfound peace and calm deep in my soul. I finally, finally understood what it means to be here, now.
I came out totally and completely overflowing with love.

The word for 2011 was dare.

I have dared more than ever this year. I have given more of myself to myself and others. Dare is Italian for give.
I have dared to give. I have given myself permission to dare.

Rather than making New Year’s resolutions, I have a word for 2012. A word that goes very well with dare, in both English and Italian.

Dare gioia – give joy. Dare to be happy.

Some of you know that this word is more than a word for me. It is also a vision statement. A name. More on that, hopefully, in 2012.

Happy New Year, darlings. May the new year bring joy and happiness.
Most of all, I wish you love.

Then I changed, and I set up a whole lot of goals. I went from doing nothing to doing everything at once, more than I could ever handle, still feeling terribly restless, still chasing towards something I didn’t know what it was.

Then I changed again.

Finally after years and years of over-commitment and meaningless information overload, I began to see those things for what they were: Daily Distractions. And with much regret, I realized I’d been holding on to “distractions” tighter than I had been to my own family, my own health, my own happiness… my own “things that matter.”

http://www.handsfreemama.com/?page_id=30

Life is not about getting other people’s admiration. Happiness does not come from the things we own or the places we go.

It is all here, within us. It is about savoring each moment of our lives. It is about finding a sense of peace. It is not so much about where we are, but what we do.

It is about letting go of all of our defenses. It is about tearing down all of our walls and throw away our masks and be open, wholly open.  To dare to feel, really feel. To surrender ourselves to raw, naked emotions, and embrace all that life has to give. To let go of our ego and love selflessly, without restraints.

Life is not supposed to be a constant hunt for something better. Restlessness will eventually wear you out.

Let go of the meaningless distractions and focus on what really matters.

- Now, Ferdinand, why don’t you play with all the other little bulls, and butt your head?

But Ferdinand would shake his head.

- I like it better here, where I can sit just quietly and smell the flowers.

If this was your last day, and for all we know it might be… wouldn’t you rather spend it in loving harmony than chasing some undefined, materialistic goal?

Take a break. Smell the flowers. Live today, not in a tomorrow that might never come.

And for all I know, he’s sitting there still, under his favorite cork tree, smelling the flowers just quietly.

He is very happy.

Exactly 7 months ago I decided that my word for 2011 was to be dare. I gave myself permission to be courageous. I decided to stop letting fear rule my life.

7 months later, I have quit my job and become self-employed. I have finished one basic Italian course and am about to begin a new one, this time on the intermediate level. I decided to shut down my web shop. I have seriously cut back on my time on the computer.

More importantly, I have also gone through some intense emotional turmoil that forced me to take a long hard look at all of my goals and dreams and personal goals and ask myself what I really want, and why, and as always the why proved to be more difficult. I took all of the decisions I’ve made in the last twelve years or so, examined them one by one and asked myself if they are still pertinent to the person I am today. I dared to ask myself what if. 

The answers baffled me. It is hard to let go of things you have freely told everyone who cared to listen that you did or did not want. It is hard to let go of the pride and admit that you changed your mind as  you changed. All the same, it felt liberating.

It was – and still is – a long process, but it had to be done. As a result, I am left quite confused and yet I am so much happier and my life feels much richer.

This photo is symbolic in so many ways. It shows roses in every stage of life. The rose’s name is New Dawn. The roses in that photo are me, now.

My man. The love of my life. Who would I be, what would I do without him?

Nobody challenges me like he does. Nobody makes me laugh and cry and feel like he does. Nobody brings me more joy. If I could crawl under his skin and merge our bodies into one, I still wouldn’t be close enough.

For too many years I have focused only on myself and what I want. It wasn’t until I thought I was about to lose everything, that I finally came to my senses and found out what really, really matters in life. I am so sorry. I wish I had seen it long ago. All those things I wanted, the dreams I painted for myself, they mean nothing.

All that matters is us and our life together. Our family. That we live and love, every single day.

Some of my happiest childhood memories involve fishing. I married a man who loves fishing, but who sold all of his fishing gear shortly after we met.
For some yet unknown reason it took us twelve years to go fishing together.

- I didn’t think I’d get to do this again, he said.
- But why?
- You never wanted to go fishing before.
- You never asked!

Every person needs a hobby, and every family needs something they can do and enjoy together. I think we finally found our thing.

We have been sidetracked, lost, for so long. We have sought happiness outside, when it was here all along, within us.

It wasn’t until I started to ask myself all those why’s and stopped being so freaking stubborn and proud, that I finally realized what is really important.

I guess we all need to sit down and reflect on ourselves every now and then. It is the scariest and  bravest thing we can do.