2010 was an in-between year. 2011 was anything but.

My oh my, what a year.

So many things have happened, in and around me.  So many things that I can’t or won’t write about, that changed me forever. Cracked me open, if you wish. I have been exhausted, stressed out, terrified. I have cried harder and longer than ever before. I have smiled, smiled with my whole body, smiled with my liver.

I came out happy, open, with a newfound peace and calm deep in my soul. I finally, finally understood what it means to be here, now.
I came out totally and completely overflowing with love.

The word for 2011 was dare.

I have dared more than ever this year. I have given more of myself to myself and others. Dare is Italian for give.
I have dared to give. I have given myself permission to dare.

Rather than making New Year’s resolutions, I have a word for 2012. A word that goes very well with dare, in both English and Italian.

Dare gioia – give joy. Dare to be happy.

Some of you know that this word is more than a word for me. It is also a vision statement. A name. More on that, hopefully, in 2012.

Happy New Year, darlings. May the new year bring joy and happiness.
Most of all, I wish you love.

In the beginning I had no visions, no goals, and definitely no idea on how I was going to get there. I just knew I was terribly, terribly restless.

Then I changed, and I set up a whole lot of goals. I went from doing nothing to doing everything at once, more than I could ever handle, still feeling terribly restless, still chasing towards something I didn’t know what it was.

Then I changed again.

Finally after years and years of over-commitment and meaningless information overload, I began to see those things for what they were: Daily Distractions. And with much regret, I realized I’d been holding on to “distractions” tighter than I had been to my own family, my own health, my own happiness… my own “things that matter.”

http://www.handsfreemama.com/?page_id=30

Life is not about getting other people’s admiration. Happiness does not come from the things we own or the places we go.

It is all here, within us. It is about savoring each moment of our lives. It is about finding a sense of peace. It is not so much about where we are, but what we do.

It is about letting go of all of our defenses. It is about tearing down all of our walls and throw away our masks and be open, wholly open.  To dare to feel, really feel. To surrender ourselves to raw, naked emotions, and embrace all that life has to give. To let go of our ego and love selflessly, without restraints.

Life is not supposed to be a constant hunt for something better. Restlessness will eventually wear you out.

Let go of the meaningless distractions and focus on what really matters.

- Now, Ferdinand, why don’t you play with all the other little bulls, and butt your head?

But Ferdinand would shake his head.

- I like it better here, where I can sit just quietly and smell the flowers.

If this was your last day, and for all we know it might be… wouldn’t you rather spend it in loving harmony than chasing some undefined, materialistic goal?

Take a break. Smell the flowers. Live today, not in a tomorrow that might never come.

And for all I know, he’s sitting there still, under his favorite cork tree, smelling the flowers just quietly.

He is very happy.

I just spent an hour reading back through my blog, page after page, back to the beginning of this year.

Exactly 7 months ago I decided that my word for 2011 was to be dare. I gave myself permission to be courageous. I decided to stop letting fear rule my life.

7 months later, I have quit my job and become self-employed. I have finished one basic Italian course and am about to begin a new one, this time on the intermediate level. I decided to shut down my web shop. I have seriously cut back on my time on the computer.

More importantly, I have also gone through some intense emotional turmoil that forced me to take a long hard look at all of my goals and dreams and personal goals and ask myself what I really want, and why, and as always the why proved to be more difficult. I took all of the decisions I’ve made in the last twelve years or so, examined them one by one and asked myself if they are still pertinent to the person I am today. I dared to ask myself what if. 

The answers baffled me. It is hard to let go of things you have freely told everyone who cared to listen that you did or did not want. It is hard to let go of the pride and admit that you changed your mind as  you changed. All the same, it felt liberating.

It was – and still is – a long process, but it had to be done. As a result, I am left quite confused and yet I am so much happier and my life feels much richer.

This photo is symbolic in so many ways. It shows roses in every stage of life. The rose’s name is New Dawn. The roses in that photo are me, now.

My man. The love of my life. Who would I be, what would I do without him?

Nobody challenges me like he does. Nobody makes me laugh and cry and feel like he does. Nobody brings me more joy. If I could crawl under his skin and merge our bodies into one, I still wouldn’t be close enough.

For too many years I have focused only on myself and what I want. It wasn’t until I thought I was about to lose everything, that I finally came to my senses and found out what really, really matters in life. I am so sorry. I wish I had seen it long ago. All those things I wanted, the dreams I painted for myself, they mean nothing.

All that matters is us and our life together. Our family. That we live and love, every single day.

Some of my happiest childhood memories involve fishing. I married a man who loves fishing, but who sold all of his fishing gear shortly after we met.
For some yet unknown reason it took us twelve years to go fishing together.

- I didn’t think I’d get to do this again, he said.
- But why?
- You never wanted to go fishing before.
- You never asked!

Every person needs a hobby, and every family needs something they can do and enjoy together. I think we finally found our thing.

We have been sidetracked, lost, for so long. We have sought happiness outside, when it was here all along, within us.

It wasn’t until I started to ask myself all those why’s and stopped being so freaking stubborn and proud, that I finally realized what is really important.

I guess we all need to sit down and reflect on ourselves every now and then. It is the scariest and  bravest thing we can do.

I want to get back to reading again, as in really reading. It’s a sad life, when there’s no time or energy to read more than a few lines before falling asleep.